Skip to main content

Time To Grow UP!

It’s been two years now since I’ve started hearing the dreaded M word, no not money but Marriage with a capital M. And of course being an Indian girl the only real option you have is to let your parents ‘arrange’ it, which by definition means
Arranged Marriage – Process by which family A condescends to let their son be married to the daughter of family B who is in turn thrilled that their precious daughter is able to marry someone who can provide for her (mostly through the dowry given by family B not to mention her salary at her ‘day’ job). In addition the son has approved the daughter’s looks while the daughter was just annoyed enough to say yes to what ever sample of homo erectus the family B has managed to dig up.
Now come the Rules of Engagement for both the sides. Say what you will about arranged marriages, you can’t accuse the family elders of not playing by the rules. Here then is an extract from the Rulebook for both guys and gals. Different rules for guys and gals, you didn’t really expect this whole shebang to be fair did you? For more on the subject read my earlier post here.

First up, Mr Perfect -
  1. Do not go to jail. (Duh! These things can be checked)
  2. No drugs, alcohol or cigarettes (Of course the occasional smoke or drink is ok as long as we, the parents, don’t find out, gives us plausible deniability. Plus, think what a nice surprise for your wife!?)
  3. Be a virgin. (Completely optional, after all who’s gonna find out anyway?)
  4. Do not be gay. (21st century concern for parents)
Next Ms Should Try Harder -
  1. No jail, drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. Period.
  2. Be a virgin. (Not negotiable)
  3. Be straight. (Girls can be gay?! What is this world coming to?)
  4. DO NOT THINK DIFFERENT. Better yet do not think at all.
  5. Believe in God. Not enough if you fake it, you have to really believe in God.
  6. Be an expert cook. Again not negotiable, you don’t want him complaining about your cooking to his mom do you? (And yes, grown Mr Perfect will still go running to his mom when something goes wrong and no, it is NOT a sign of imbecility)
  7. Posses excellent housekeeping skills. Your house should look like it can be featured on the cover of ‘Good Housekeeping’ even on the maid’s day off coz that’s the time his mother will pick to visit.
  8. Do not try to muscle in on male territory. Always be humble. Don’t you dare be better at manly stuff like thinking, driving, playing video games, gadgets, financial planning & then try to get out of doing female things like watching saas-bahu serials on TV and bitching about the next door neighbour/relative. Men > women and don’t you forget it.
  9. Be a master diplomat & have proven expertise in reading between the lines. You can’t possibly be naive enough to think his mom will look at you as a person & not as someone who’s out to wrench her Mr Perfect away from her. Even though she was the one who okayed you in the first place.
  10. Love to wear saris and jewellery. Profess undying love for this great country’s traditions even though secretly you’d like nothing more than to live in your jeans for the rest of your life.
  11. Always put family over friends. Never mind that family has never stood up for you and is always judging you, while friends have done the exact opposite. After all blood is thicker than water.
  12. Any other arbitrary rule to be made up as and when required.
There you have it folks! If anyone out there wants their marriage arranged, simply follow the above rules and unleash the hounds of Hell. Oh and also get your head examined.


  1. Bang On!!!I don't think it could have been expressed in any better!!!

  2. Thank you for stopping by and the compliment!

  3. "Ms. Should try harder" - Love it!!

    That said, I would like to add to the list of Mr. Perfect
    1. Make lots of money
    2. Have lots of property in the immediate family, preferably in his name (Even though the poor guy has just finished his education and somehow landed a job in a recession and is barely making enough to cover his loans, let alone invest in properties)
    3. Look like an impossible child of Brad Pitt and George Clooney
    4. Be strong enough to bench press 200 kgs and at the same time have the dexterity to help hook up her necklace at the back.
    5. Be able to follow her around on her shopping trips not for shopping advice (You think your opinion matters? Ha ha!) but for merely carrying the bags around and picking up the tab.
    6. Be an expert on everything around the house, from electronics to plumbing and the car; Nevermind the poor guy is an arts major.
    7. Make even more money
    8. Help with errands around the house with a smile on the face lest you be labelled sexist
    9. Manage all of the above without a hint of complaining or showing any signs of vulnerability. If you do, get ready to be labelled a 'wimp' and get ready for comments like "Mard ban, Be a Man!"


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Why Don’t We Raise Our Sons like We Do Our Daughters?

This post originally appeard in Women's Web: Why Don’t We Raise Our Sons like We Do Our Daughters?

One of the hot button topics right now in Indian media is the safety of women – or rather how our country doesn't really care about half its population. From rape, sexual assault, harassment (in streets, public transport, nearly every public place) to violence perpetrated on women, Indians are finally getting around to discussing taboo topics.
One refrain that caught my eye throughout these debates – both online and off – is the fact that the reaction of the majority of Indians is the same: girls should stay at home, not go out after dark, dress appropriately and so on if they want to stay safe. No one seems to bat an eyelid when laying down these precautions for women. Except that the reality is women would be far safer if all the men simply DID NOT RAPE or HARASS any person that looks remotely female. No one has to stay at home and become a hermit! That got me thinking further. F…

One Step Up

Diya forced herself to relax while the attendant spread a mud pack on her face. She’d been nervous all week thinking about today. This was totally unlike the little beauty parlour she went to every month for eyebrow threading and the occasional haircut. No, this was a spa and they didn't just cut hair here. They styled it. And that was only the beginning of all the treatments a woman could get done. Normally she would have been too intimidated to even set foot inside, let alone enquire about the prices which she was sure would be too high for her budget.

But this visit was a gift from her dear mother for her 30th birthday. Luckily for her, the gift card was for a particular package which meant she would not be gaping like a fool at the exorbitant rates. Once again, Diya tried to relax telling herself that these women were being paid by her. She employed them and as much as she was sure they were secretly laughing at her naiveté, Diya wasn’t the one working for a living. But de…

One Step Up

Sana hung up the phone and hurried onto the set. Thankfully the director hadn’t finished yelling at the technicians, so the rest of the models for the shoot were still lounging at the far end of the room. She sank into a sofa next to Maddy, relieved that her sister had taken the bad news well. She’d really been looking forward to meeting Abhay after such a long time but this shoot couldn’t be postponed. Damn her manager for doing this without consulting her!

Raj had been her first agent when she started her career and she had no complaints about him, until a year ago that is. He’d started behaving oddly, pushing her to do more campaigns than she liked and booking ramp shows without so much as asking her. Yet despite working a hectic schedule, her bank accounts weren’t growing. Whenever she asked anything about her finances, Raj would put her off saying that her investments were doing well and not to worry.

But she did worry. She had thought of asking Nihar for help but she had he…