Survival Guide To LIC (Part I)

Many of you must have wondered - so how do I survive in the cult? I won’t change and the cult cannot, so what happens when the irresistible force meets the immovable object? Well they adapt and they survive. So, if god forbid, any of you want to join LIC even after repeated !Do Not Enter! signs posted by yours truly, here’s the ultimate survival guide to LIC - applicable only if you are not already an LICian.

Caution: Read and apply at your own risk. I declaim all responsibility as to what will happen to you in spite of / thereof.

5 Simple Rules To Survive in LIC -

CYA – Cover Your Ass

This corporate acronym actually had its origins in LIC, where it is taken to new heights never before seen by the private realm. The ultimate pinnacle of achievement – do something wrong and let another take the fall and then you say “wonder why some people do things like this?”

10CoT – 10 Cups of Tea

Official drink of LIC. Don’t drink tea or coffee? What! Surely you jest. How will you claim chai/kaapi reimbursement? LIC does not offer FROOTI reimbursement. Ahem, vulgar money matters aside, how else will you avoid work? How will you cool off an angry customer, which species appears more often than you would think? (only offer, do not contract!)

SYW – Shrink Your Workday

Official timings: 10:00 AM – 5:00 PM Lunch: 1:30 PM – 2:15 PM

Number of working hours – 6 hrs 15 mins

Your timings: 11:00 AM – 4:00 PM Lunch: 1:00 PM – 2:30 PM

Number of working hours – 3 hrs 30 mins *

* This does not include chai/kaapi breaks – see 10CoT above

(@1 cup = 15 mins, 10 cups = you do the math!)

NCC – No Customer Care

Kotler’s mantra: Customer = king!

LIC’s mantra: Customer = kasht se mar!

Other Insurance Cos

LIC

Air Conditioning

Fans – Broken or absent

Plush sofas

Invisible Chairs

Brand new offices

50 year old offices

Customer Care Executives

We Don’t Care Officers

RGG – Rumour Gossip Grapevine

Newly discovered, this closely guarded secret is the fastest constant in the known physical world. Light year? Mach5? The Rumour/Gossip Grapevine leaves ‘em all in the dust. *itching constantly is the key to keeping this vine alive and LICians do it uncommonly well. In fact this, along with 10CoT, is the top sport/life force of employees. As a bonus it can be done while pretending to work – whether on the monitor or head buried in a musty old notebook.

To Be Continued…

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