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Arranged Versus Love Marriage

This post originally appeared in Women's Web: Arranged Versus Love Marriage: Here's Why Things Are Changing

In 21st-century India, change is so rapid that we barely have time to get used to something before some new trend is on the horizon. And I'm not just talking about technology here. Whether it is human behavior, relationships, societal or cultural norms, Indian society – along with the rest of the world – today is hardly recognizable to my parents or their parents.
It's not a surprise that the institution of marriage and the process of finding a life partner is also undergoing a metamorphosis. Perhaps this is one of the areas where the gap between generations is the most obvious. Almost every day, there is a TV show or media report or blog post talking about arranged vs. love marriages. So I figured I would present my take on it as well!
Whenever anyone talks about arranged versus love marriages - I don't know why they are always portrayed as opposing players, as if there can be only one winner! - we instinctively have an idea of what the two terms mean. Most of it is from what we see in the movies or read about in books. In an arranged marriage, the boy, girl and their respective families meet each other for half an hour or so and BAM! The marriage is fixed. In a love marriage, only the boy meets the girl, they fall in love and then they have to oppose their parents (caste, money, religious issues etc.) to get married.
But I would argue that there is more to it than that. Let me give you two examples – one of an arranged marriage and one of love marriage that happened in my own family.

  1. After confirming that their daughter did not have a boyfriend, a couple started looking for prospective grooms. Two years later, they were still looking. One day the girl met a boy online and they started talking. They kept talking for three weeks, fell in love and decided to get married (even though they had not seen each other on video or met in person). They told their respective families who finalized the wedding and gave their blessings.
  2. A year later, the same process of groom searching begins for the younger sister. The girl starts talking to one prospective partner and they realize that they have a lot in common. After meeting in person, they decided to get married. The parents agreed even though they had personal reservations because the couple in question had made their decision.
Can you see the similarities in the two situations? In both cases it was the decision of the boy and girl to get married, the families and parents got involved later. All sets of parents were sensible and gave their blessings to the matches once they realized that the boy and girl were compatible and in love with each other. There was no drama, fighting, arguments or other distractions that is often portrayed in movies. And the only difference between the two situations was the actual process by which the girl meets the boy. In the former, they meet online and in the latter they meet through the traditional arranged marriage process.
More and more, I think this will become the norm in Indian society. Young adults falling in love are not doing so without any foresight or thought for the future. In fact this generation is looking for compatibility, honesty and trust before committing to a single person for the rest of their lives. Parents are realizing that it is better to respect the choices of their children– who are adults by the way – rather than force a decision on them that they will end up regretting later.
For many of us, even the traditional arranged marriage process is not the same as it used to be. No longer is it taken for granted that the wishes of the boy and girl don’t matter. It is expected that they will talk to each other and come to a mutual decision, rather than how it was for our parents or grandparents. My parents were not allowed to talk to each other in private before the decision was made for them by their parents. I don’t think my grandmother even saw my grandfather before the wedding! But most parents today do not expect their children to get married to someone sight unseen or without even talking to each other.
As far as I can tell, in many middle-class families, the only difference between a traditional arranged marriage and the modern love marriage is who introduces the girl to the boy. In an arranged marriage, it is usually the families who arrange a meeting. In a love marriage, the couple may have met in college, in office or through mutual friends. But the end result is that the decision to get married and who to marry is being left to the actual couple in question, rather than being decided by parents, families or other elders. After all, who says love marriages and arranged marriages cannot prosper side-by-side?
So what do you guys think? Share your own personal experiences in the comments below!
P.S: If you haven’t already guessed, the two girls in the article are none other than me and my sister :D

Comments

  1. It is true that these days the way marraiges are done have changed alot but the Basic point is "marraige decisions of girl and boy are only accepted in family where they have already proved themself of being capable of taking those decisions". As was proved by you and your sister. But in India still we do spoon feeding till the boy or the girl starts working, and even after that. It is widely said in India after doing MBBS or ENGINEERING people find out they have taking wrong subject to study and now it is their burden to continue with it for whole life and worst part children accept it by saying it was dad's decision and i will comply for his happiness and then never even try to do thing which he used to love. And it is fault of both parent and children. Why higher studies of children are selected by parents, only god knows (If there is any)???? But it also proves that child was not strong enough to select his/her own stream and just because certain jobs pays well parents push their children in certain courses.
    In case of my fiance she have never taken any decision even she is CS and LLB. Her primary school, her secondary school, her college, her stream, even CS and LLB was decided by her father. Over and above who she will be friends with was also selected by her father. And the end result even she looks modern and talk sense but she is dependent on her father to take decisions. And taking decision for marraige is a far far thing when she cant take decision of what need to do in her own life. A decision of getting along with a guy / gal can taken by only those who feel strong enough to handle situtation if anything goes wrong. Taking case of my brother he himself never wanted to search girl for himself, all the responsibility was given to parents and in the end he got married to girl he has never seen in person( even it is our good luck to have her in our family but all was because of a chance). So the Basic thought process is if a guy ( basic inference- he is working, and dowry doesnot matter)is mature enough to respect girl and her family, knowing there will be difference, knowing she will/will not work after marraige, knowing the ups and down, had met girls before and know with whom he can proceed / cant proceed, have a thought process of right or wrong then only he should proceed for marraige. And if a girl have self confidence and is strong enough to take care of herself even in turbulent condition should proceed for marraige decisions. Marraige decision in India will be made by parents till we have stop making 25 year old babies.

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    1. I know but that is the subject of another post ;) We Indians really need to stop treating our adult children as kids who cannot make their own decisions. Our parents are proud when we take our first steps, cross the road without their help or start school for the first time. But they don't support their kids when they want to make bigger decisions like what to study or who to marry. When all the decisions have been made by others, how will they learn to handle life later? When will Indian kids be allowed to make their own mistakes?

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