Skip to main content

Dungeons & Dragons

The last two years have been very trying for my mother. Try as she might she has been unable to find a mate for me. If you say the fact that she’s doing the finding for me has something to do with it, only goes to show you’re not an Indian. Over here in this part of the world, it is the duty of the parents (and they like it too!) to get their children down the wedding aisle. Why any sane person would want another person’s life on his/her head I won’t get into right now, suffice it to say that’s just the way it is.

Seeing as how I’m the oldest of all my cousins, my wedding is to be the guinea pig. The knowledge gained by my parents through the mistakes they make with me will be used to fine tune the efforts next time round (particularly for my sister and generally for the rest). While the long awaited wedding hasn't materialized yet, mainly due to the lack of groom, I've seen many many /*makes me want to tear my hair out/* things that go on behind the scenes to pull off that great 2-day tamasha we like to call a wedding.

The biggest part of which is of course actually finding said groom/bride. I hereby present The How-To Guide to finding a groom.

*Note: I’m sure it’s similar (but not same) for brides too. Unfortunately I don’t have direct observations so I’ll keep it confined to the grooms.

How To Find A Groom:
Stage I
  • Advertise on matrimonial websites. Free
    What are matrimonial websites? Just think of them as online dating sites but for the parents of the guy n gal.

  • Advertise to relatives. Free
    Classic WOM. In a country of a billion people who love to talk, there isn't a faster way to get the word out that you’re looking to get your daughter married. Usually greeted by a chorus of “Well it’s about time!”, even though you just graduated last week.

  • Advertise with brokers. Nominal fee
    Yes, there actually are people who act as middle men between the two sides. So if it wasn't already rankling that your parents are trying to find you a man, complete strangers also get into the act and will make portentous pronouncements regarding all the things you've to change if you ever hope to get married. Still thinking you can find a guy who understands you and has similar interests? Not on my watch, says the broker.

    This stage is usually marked by bright hopes in the eyes of the parents. They sit down and draw up pros/cons list of the grooms & skip over several candidates who differ even by a millimeter from their high standards. These standards include the holy trinity of looks, money and education (oft mistaken as a sign of intelligence).
Stage II
  • Relax your standards
    Once the initial euphoria has worn off and still you remain unmarried, doubts start to creep in. The once high standards start to slip a bit and your parents agree to meet grooms who are not so ‘worthy’ in their opinion. That obese guy you passed over becomes only ‘slightly overweight’ or the ever hilarious ‘healthy’, while the guy who can’t even spell properly on his profile becomes ‘poor boy, he must be so busy making dollars’!

  • Throw money to make the problem go away
    The matrimonial websites we talked about earlier? They all offer some sort of elite package, where you pay more to have your profile show up higher in search results or displayed prominently. This is not SEO but BPO – Bride Profile Optimization!
Stage III
  • Pray to the Planets
    If you’re still unmarried after stage II, then turn to supernatural culprits. When all else fails, blame it on God or his agents in this case. Convinced that the planets have conspired to delay their precious darling’s wedding, your parents now arrange for a series of pujas to propitiate the navagrahas. As everyone knows, your horoscope is drawn up based on the position of the planets at the time of your birth and they’re the ones who influence when and what happens in your life (free will be damned!). 

    As per rules, your future is fixed. What then are these pujas supposed to accomplish? “Why you silly girl,” say your parents, “We are just asking them politely to stop their bullshitting in return for the fruits and sweets we’re offering at the puja!” I never could understand what exactly the planets are meant to do here. I mean should they change their orbit/position/speed of rotation to accommodate you?
    The best explanation as given by my sister – Every rule has a loophole. This is Astrology's! /*Thanks sis/*
If even after all this you still haven't passed Go and collected your $200, I’m guessing its about time you introduced your parents to that guy you've been secretly in love with and who was ‘just like my brother’ the last time you were questioned on that subject! 

P.S: Bonus points for those who guess what dungeons & dragons refer to!

Comments

  1. “Well it’s about time!” - Hilarious!
    SEO but BPO – Bride Profile Optimization! - Genius!

    And you wait till the end of stage III to introduce the guy who "was just like your brother"? Are you crazy? It's the REST OF YOUR LIFE we are talking about!

    ReplyDelete
  2. The rest of your life is right. But you see at the beginning, your parents still believe they can find Mr.Perfect for you. As time wears on, they find out all that glitters is not gold. When they're at the end of their wits, they're more likely to accept whatever buffoon you've decided to make yours ;)

    Alternative title of this post - How to Soften Up Your Parents Before You Introduce Them to Their SIL :D That wasn't very catchy so I went with this one!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's not the point is it? The point is you are playing a huge gamble by going through the first 3 stages. What if your parents find someone who you can't find fault with?

      Delete
    2. That's still only applicable if you had someone at the beginning of the Hunt. What if like me, you didn't have anyone so you said to your parents go ahead search. Then you meet someone. Or you haven't met anyone but that doesn't make the parade any more palatable.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Why Don’t We Raise Our Sons like We Do Our Daughters?

This post originally appeard in Women's Web: Why Don’t We Raise Our Sons like We Do Our Daughters? One of the hot button topics right now in Indian media is the safety of women – or rather how our country doesn't really care about half its population. From rape, sexual assault, harassment (in streets, public transport, nearly every public place) to violence perpetrated on women, Indians are finally getting around to discussing taboo topics. One refrain that caught my eye throughout these debates – both online and off – is the fact that the reaction of the majority of Indians is the same: girls should stay at home, not go out after dark, dress appropriately and so on if they want to stay safe. No one seems to bat an eyelid when laying down these precautions for women. Except that the reality is women would be far safer if all the men simply DID NOT RAPE or HARASS any person that looks remotely female. No one has to stay at home and become a hermit! That got me th

Education and Learning

Fourteen years of school. Three - four years of undergraduate college. Two years for a graduate degree. Start working or making babies. Sound familiar? It should, it’s what the majority of lives in this country look like. Ten years ago, I was headed down the same street. Engineering, MBA and then on to a fat pay check, like countless other teenagers, products of a system seemingly obsessed with stability and an extreme aversion to risk and failure. While I did end up getting 2 degrees and the pay check (with a stable, GOI company no less!) I also realized I hated it. Going to work from 9 to 7, doing the same endless, mind numbing, repetitive tasks, sitting in the same chair for ten odd years before getting promoted and dodging responsibility in order to retire with a pension suddenly seemed a lot less attractive when I was looking at it from the wrong end of 35 years! And history shall say I quit. But now what? I did what any sane person without a job and all the time in the w

Arranged Versus Love Marriage

This post originally appeared in Women's Web:  Arranged Versus Love Marriage: Here's Why Things Are Changing In 21st-century India, change is so rapid that we barely have time to get used to something before some new trend is on the horizon. And I'm not just talking about technology here. Whether it is human behavior, relationships, societal or cultural norms, Indian society – along with the rest of the world – today is hardly recognizable to my parents or their parents. It's not a surprise that the institution of marriage and the process of finding a life partner is also undergoing a metamorphosis. Perhaps this is one of the areas where the gap between generations is the most obvious. Almost every day, there is a TV show or media report or blog post talking about arranged vs. love marriages. So I figured I would present my take on it as well! Whenever anyone talks about arranged versus love marriages - I don't know why they are always portrayed as opposing